


should have been me

by Demi_Fae



Series: Whumptober 2020 [18]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs (And Gets) a Hug, Panic Attacks, daymare?, it reads more like a nightmare though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27083734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demi_Fae/pseuds/Demi_Fae
Summary: Obi-Wan stumbled back to his room when everything was over. He’d been exhausted for days after Naboo but he hadn’t been allowed to break down by himself. There were too many things to do- stay and help the Noobians then head back to Coruscant with Anakin in tow, explain everything to the Council and fight for the right to teach the boy Qui-Gon had found, then put together a schedule on how to teach a boy who hadn’t been raised in the Temple and who had never been taught their customs…Obi-Wan kept busy enough to ignore the growing panic in his chest. He ignored the looks of pity the other Jedi gave him as he showed Anakin around the Temple. Obi-Wan had enough to do, he didn’t have time for a breakdown, and Anakin’s joy kept away the cold well enough for now.-Day 18:Panic Attacks| Phobias | Paranoia
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: Whumptober 2020 [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1930612
Comments: 4
Kudos: 72





	should have been me

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to write a panic attack? And then it branched into kind of nightmare territory

Obi-Wan stumbled back to his room when everything was over. He’d been exhausted for days after Naboo but he hadn’t been allowed to break down by himself. There were too many things to do- stay and help the Noobians then head back to Coruscant with Anakin in tow, explain everything to the Council and fight for the right to teach the boy Qui-Gon had found, then put together a schedule on how to teach a boy who hadn’t been raised in the Temple and who had never been taught their customs… 

Obi-Wan kept busy enough to ignore the growing panic in his chest. He ignored the looks of pity the other Jedi gave him as he showed Anakin around the Temple. Obi-Wan had enough to do, he didn’t have time for a breakdown, and Anakin’s joy kept away the cold well enough for now. 

He let himself be led around by the little boy holding his hand, answering various questions and telling stories of some of the legends all Jedi were taught at his age.  _ Later, later, later, _ Obi-Wan always told himself and pushed off dealing with the ice cold feelings trickling from his heart to the rest of his limbs. 

_ Later, later, later, _ his mind whispered as he tried to shut out the snarl of a zabrak male and wave Anakin off to class. Obi-Wan walked back to their apartment with his head held high and the sound of lightsabers clashing against each other ringing in his ear. 

He held it together until the door to his room shut behind him, and then Obi-Wan sunk to the ground. There was to do now, nothing he could distract himself with now- Anakin was in class, and he’d been his lifeline for so long, keeping Obi-Wan above the waves of his panic. 

Now he sunk deep below them, barely able to see the light. He couldn’t breathe- Obi-Wan gasped and his breaths came faster and faster as he remembered what had happened. The red of the sith’s lightsaber, the screaming of the Force around him, the pain of a bond breaking so suddenly and splitting his head open. The fear of being cut in half like his master just had been-

Obi-Wan’s shoulders hitched and he started to sob at the fallen form of Qui-Gon on the ground before him.  _ “Why couldn’t you have been faster, done more, Obi-Wan?” _ His cooling corpse asked Obi-Wan while he held him in his arms. Qui-Gon’s eyes were dead and the wound on his stomach coated them both in blood. 

“I’m sorry master, I’m sorry-” Obi-Wan gasped out. Where was the air, he couldn’t breathe- 

“Poor little padawan, his master dead and no one to protect him,” a deep voice mocked. He couldn’t move, Obi-Wan was pinned in place by the accusing, dead gaze of his master. A lightsaber held itself under his chin and forced his gaze up. 

Obi-Wan’s head buried itself deeper into his knees as his mind pieced together yellowed, rotting teeth and lips pulled into a snarl. He felt bile rise in his throat as his gaze rose further to take in red and black markings across his face and eyes burning with hate and the Dark. 

“Weak,” he laughed. It grated Obi-Wan’s ears. “Weak, weak,” Qui-Gon and his own mind chanted with the sith’s voice. 

“You should have died in my place,” came the angry inflection of his master from the figure of the zabrak. Obi-Wan didn’t move an inch as the saber under his chin shifted from red to green. The zabrak shifted too, growing and contorting and becoming the master he held in his arms. “Why didn’t you?” 

“I don’t know,” Obi-Wan sobbed. His voice was nearly unrecognizable to his own ears. Snot dribbled out his nose and his cheeks were wet with more tears as he tried to wipe them off with his sleeve in vain. “I don’t know, I don’t know-” 

“You should have.” 

“I know, I should have died master, I should have died-” Obi-Wan looked back down to his master’s corpse in his arms only to be met with his own face. It was slack and void of all emotion, the red dribble of blood from the corner of his mouth the only color. Still, his mouth moved. 

“Yes, you should have,” it spoke. 

Obi-Wan sobbed alone in his room and wrapped himself tighter around his legs. “I should have, I should have-” 

“Obi-Wan?” A small voice asked from behind his door, and Obi-Wan flinched. 

“Anakin?” He flinched back from the sound of his voice.  _ Was that really what he sounded like? _ “What are you doing here- don’t you have class?” 

He could hear Anakin hesitate for a moment on the other side of the door. “Classes finished, master,” he said. 

Obi-Wan looked up to the clock and cursed. They’d finished a while ago, Anakin must have been waiting for Obi-Wan to come and pick him up like he’d said. “I’m sorry Anakin, I didn’t mean to leave you waiting-” 

“It’s alright,” Anakin said in a quiet voice. It wasn’t alright, Anakin must have been waiting for some time in one of his classrooms with a teacher like he’d been told- and Obi-Wan’s breath hitched again at the thought of Anakin alone in a room until he just  _ knew _ Obi-Wan wouldn’t be coming for him and braving the Temple by himself, an area he barely knew, to come back to his  _ failure _ of a master-

“Can I come in?” Anakin asked. 

“I don’t think-” 

“Please?” 

Obi-Wan couldn’t say no when Anakin sounded like that. He opened the door slowly and Anakin slipped through the crack. He ignored the tear tracks and Obi-Wan’s face and threw himself into his lap, hugging him as tightly as his little arms would allow. Obi-Wan let Anakin warm his core up again, and wrapped his arms back around the boy. 

“I’m glad you’re here, master,” Anakin whispered into Obi-Wan’s neck. He felt a few tears drip down his face to land on Anakin’s head and he felt the boy snuggle further into his arms. 

“Thank you, Anakin.” His voice was rough after hours of crying, but his heart hadn’t felt lighter in days. 

**Author's Note:**

> This makes me feel even worse for Obi-Wan
> 
> You can yell at me on tumblr at [rynae-reblogs](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/rynae-reblogs)


End file.
